Stop Helping People to Avoid Helping Yourself
Why Being Everyone Else's Hero Can Make You Your Own Worst Enemy
I knew someone once who was a professional helper. Everyone loved him. He was the go-to guy, the hero who swept in at just the right moment. On the surface, his generosity was saintly. Yet beneath the halo, he was drowning. Helping had become his drug of choice, and when there was no one around to rescue, he panicked, felt worthless, and sank into emptiness.
Have you ever met someone like this? Or perhaps, does this sound a little too familiar?
The Big Idea
The truth is, many of us hide from our own pain, insecurities, and deep-seated emotional wounds by compulsively helping others. We cloak our avoidance in kindness and generosity, not realizing that our constant outward focus is a sophisticated form of self-neglect.
This habit is rooted in what we at Next Level Human call Misguided Unconscious Decisions (MUD). It's time to recognize that helping others can sometimes be a distraction from the essential inner work we must do ourselves.
The Breakdown
You see, life is messy. It's uncertain, confusing, and often overwhelming. To cope, we all create strategies—unconscious, misguided decisions—that shield us from life's harsh realities. These coping mechanisms help us navigate through complex emotions rooted in our deep need for safety, security, acceptance, and belonging.
MUD, unlike trauma, isn't always obvious. Trauma is intense; it's like cement—it sticks painfully and obviously. MUD, on the other hand, is subtle and insidious, like mud clinging quietly to our subconscious, shaping how we see the world without us even realizing it.
Villains, Victims, and Helpers
We generally adopt one of three broad coping styles to deal with MUD:
The Villain: The wounded who wound others. They lash out, manipulate, and cause pain, unknowingly driven by unresolved pain.
The Victim: Those who whine, blame, deny, and avoid responsibility. They perceive life as unfair, always someone else's fault.
The Helper: The seemingly noble choice—people who selflessly help others. But here's the kicker: their virtue often masks deep self-neglect.
If you're constantly driven to help, pause for a moment. Reflect deeply. Is your help truly selfless, or is it fueled by a subconscious desire to avoid your own uncomfortable truths?
The Hidden Cost of Helping
Compulsive helpers feel valued only when needed. This becomes a toxic cycle. They gravitate toward crisis, chaos, or brokenness because it gives them purpose, allowing them to avoid facing their own issues. When the crisis resolves, they withdraw, feeling suddenly useless, invisible, or restless until another person needs saving.
These helpers rarely ask for help themselves, terrified that vulnerability would transform them into someone who needs rescuing—the very scenario they've dedicated their lives to avoiding.
Practical Takeaway
The next time you feel the irresistible pull to help, ask yourself honestly:
Am I genuinely giving, or am I hiding?
Do I feel anxious, restless, or worthless when there’s no one to rescue?
Am I comfortable being the one who needs help?
If you sense even a hint of avoidance, it’s time to pause and confront your MUD. Helping is beautiful and necessary, but not at the expense of your own healing. Commit to addressing your subconscious wounds first—only then can you truly help others in a healthy, balanced way.
Closing Thought
Remember, your value is not determined by how much you give away but by how honestly you face your own truths. Helping yourself first isn't selfish—it’s essential. Heal your own wounds, and your ability to support others authentically and effectively will multiply exponentially. Don’t confuse your distractions for virtue.
PS Call-to-Action
PS: If you’re ready to break free of constantly helping others as a way of avoiding your own healing—and instead become the kind of person who genuinely transforms both yourself and those around you—explore my Next Level Human coaching program today. Spots are limited—don’t wait. 👉 http://www.nextlevelhuman.com/human-coaching