Human Chess: How To Play The Relationship Game
A 10-Step Blueprint for Teaching Others How to Treat You While Ensuring You’re Not the Problem
Are You the One with Bad Breath?
Let’s be honest: most of us have no idea when we have bad breath. It's embarrassing, but until someone offers us a mint for the third time in a day or we notice that people are inching away during conversations, we’re clueless. If you're constantly getting offered gum or mints, or haven’t been kissed in two years, it’s time to get the message: you’re the problem. That’s how bad breath works—it's subtle until the patterns reveal themselves.
In relationships, toxic behavior is the same way. We love to point fingers at toxic people, but what if you’re the one with the problem? You might be stuck in repeated emotional patterns, encountering the same conflicts, or feeling the same frustrations over and over again.
Here’s the brutal truth: if you’re exposed to toxicity repeatedly without making a change, you're the toxic one—or at the very least, you’re enabling it. Voluntary exposure to a toxin makes you toxic. But what if I told you there’s a way to break free from these patterns? Enter Next Level Human Chess, a strategy that teaches you how to evolve yourself, transform your relationships, and make sure you're not the one bringing the bad breath into the room.
Human Chess: The 10 Steps to Break Free from Toxic Cycles
In life, relationships, and work, Human Chess is the strategic game that ensures you’re showing up authentically while teaching others how to treat you. It’s about radical responsibility, making intentional moves, and setting boundaries that protect your energy.
Here’s how it works—10 steps that guide you through the game of human relationships:
Move 1: Take Radical Responsibility
The first move is to realize that if something is in your sphere of awareness and you want it to change, it’s on you. Stop waiting for other people to change. The way they act is their choice; how you respond is yours. This isn’t about blame, but about recognizing that you have the power to shift the dynamic.
Move 2: Be Authentic to Your Future Self
Authenticity isn’t about being true to a past version of yourself; it’s about being true to your next-level human self. Your future self, the best version of you, is clear, confident, and centered. This is the version of you that doesn’t get dragged into the same old drama.
Move 3: Remove Them from Their Box
You can’t expect people to grow if you keep them locked in the box of who they’ve always been. Remove them from the box you’ve put them in. This allows space for them to evolve and show up differently.
Move 4: Treat Them According to Their Future Self
Just as you are aiming to become your future self, treat others according to their highest potential. This is about raising the bar and encouraging them to meet it. Instead of treating them based on past failures, treat them as though they’re already evolving.
Move 5: Confident Detachment
Confident detachment is the art of letting go of expectations and assumptions about how others will respond. You remain engaged with the person but detached from the outcome. Your only expectations should be for yourself—not for how others will behave. This frees you from frustration and disappointment.
Move 6: Vet Their Response
Once you’ve made your moves, it’s time to step back and vet their response. Do they rise to the challenge, or do they fall back into old patterns? Their response will tell you everything you need to know about the next step.
Move 7: Establish Boundaries
Boundaries are flexible, like a “three-strike” policy. They allow people room to adjust, but they also make it clear where your lines are. This is about protecting your energy while giving others a chance to step up.
Move 8: Vet Their Response Again
After setting boundaries, you’ll vet them again. Are they respecting those boundaries, or are they continuing to cross the line? If they’re not willing to respect your boundaries, it’s time to consider the next move.
Move 9: Create a New Standard
Standards are rigid—a one-strike policy. This is where you set a new rule for how the relationship will function moving forward. Standards are non-negotiable and help you determine who gets to stay in your inner circle.
Move 10: Checkmate
Checkmate is the final move. This doesn’t necessarily mean ending the relationship, but it might mean transforming it. If someone continues to violate your standards, the relationship dynamic must change—whether that means creating distance, shifting the role they play in your life, or ending the relationship entirely.
The Importance of Boundaries vs. Standards
It’s crucial to understand the difference between boundaries and standards. Boundaries are flexible, giving people room to adjust—like a three- or four-strike rule. You give someone a few chances to respect your boundaries and make changes. Standards, on the other hand, are rigid and non-negotiable. They’re the one-strike rule. If someone violates a standard, they no longer have a place in your inner circle.
Boundaries are a way of teaching people how to treat you. Standards define the absolute rules of engagement.
The Power of Emotional Contagion
Here’s a universal truth: emotions are contagious. Ever been in a room where one person’s sadness, anger, or joy shifted the mood of everyone else? We pick up on each other’s energy, and it can influence how we feel. But here’s the kicker: you can choose not to be impacted by someone else’s emotional state.
Playing Next Level Human Chess helps you maintain your emotional boundaries. You become the one who sets the tone and refuses to be influenced by others’ negativity or toxicity. Instead of being reactive, you stay in control of how you feel and respond. You hold the line. You’re the one teaching others how to treat you.
A Simple Example: Doing the Dishes
Let’s break this down with an everyday scenario—the dishes.
Take responsibility. You’re frustrated because the dishes aren’t being done, and no one seems to help. Realize that if it’s in your awareness, it’s on you to change. No one magically starts doing dishes unless you create the conditions for it.
Be authentic. Ask yourself where you might not be helping enough either. Step into your next-level self, the version of you that takes responsibility and starts helping rather than silently resenting.
Remove them from their box. You’ve already put them in the box of “someone who never helps with the dishes.” Remove them from that box. Assume they’re capable of more.
Treat them according to their best self. Start thanking them for the ways they already help (even if it’s not with dishes). Maybe they take out the trash or walk the dog. Treat them like a person who contributes, not like someone who slacks.
Confident detachment. Release any expectation that they’ll suddenly become a dishwashing superstar. You’re not attached to them doing the dishes—you’re just making your moves and staying aligned with your highest self.
Vet their response. Watch what happens. Maybe they say, “I help all the time—it’s about time you noticed,” while still not lifting a finger. Or maybe they say, “Thanks for noticing, I’ll try harder.”
Set boundaries. If they fall into the first category—still not helping—you need to establish a boundary. Maybe it’s assigning specific chores or rotating dish duty.
Vet again. Do they respect the boundaries you’ve set? If not, it’s time for the next step.
Set a new standard. At this point, you establish a standard: if they’re not pulling their weight with household chores, it’s a dealbreaker. This is a one-strike rule.
Checkmate. If they continue to ignore the standard, it may mean changing the dynamic of the relationship. Maybe that means a serious conversation about roles in the household, or in some cases, even an ending of the relationship if they refuse to meet your standards.
The Final Word: Play to Elevate, Not Dominate
Next Level Human Chess isn’t about dominating others or winning at their expense. It’s about playing a game that elevates everyone involved. By taking responsibility, setting boundaries, and maintaining your standards, you not only protect your energy—you invite others to rise to their highest potential.
So, are you ready to play the game? Because the truth is, if you keep encountering the same stuck emotions, repeated patterns, and familiar struggles, the problem might be you—but the solution is also within your control. Human Chess gives you the strategy to break those cycles and create a life filled with opportunities, synchronicities, and progress.
Game on.
Outstanding article, Jade. I wish I had read this decades ago and I'm just as grateful to read it today!