The Antidote to Asshole
Why You Might Be an Asshole Without Even Realizing It—and How to Fix It
The Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
Picture this: A sunny morning at your favorite café. The vibe is perfect—murmured conversations, the smell of freshly brewed coffee, the soft clatter of cups. But then it happens. A customer at the counter snarls at the barista. They huff and puff about the wait time, slam their money down, and leave a palpable tension in the air. The room feels hijacked.
What just happened?
This person, who likely seems kind in calmer circumstances, has transformed. They’ve become what we all instinctively recognize but rarely analyze: an asshole. Not the cartoonish villain you might imagine, but an everyday wolf in sheep’s clothing—someone who, when stressed or inconvenienced, prioritizes their emotional turmoil over everyone else’s.
It’s easy to point fingers. But the truth is, all of us have this wolf within us. The difference between an asshole and what I call an antidote lies in how we respond when life presses our buttons.
What Makes an Asshole?
Assholes don’t wear a badge announcing themselves. They aren’t always mean, rude, or toxic in obvious ways. In fact, when everything is going well, they may appear charming, thoughtful, or even generous. But the real test comes when stress, inconvenience, or unmet expectations strike.
Suddenly, the carefully crafted façade cracks. A boss becomes a tyrant when deadlines loom. A hungry diner berates a server over cold fries. A backseat driver morphs into a micromanaging critic the moment traffic slows.
This transformation often stems from a hyperactive need for control, coupled with an inability to regulate emotional discomfort. Their stress or inconvenience becomes the most important thing in the room, eclipsing everyone else’s needs. They hijack emotional spaces, leaving behind tension, resentment, and hurt feelings.
Assholes Are Everywhere—and They Don’t Know It
Here’s the kicker: most assholes don’t realize they’re being assholes. To them, their reactions feel justified—righteous, even. After all, they’re stressed, hungry, late, or overwhelmed. They don’t see their behavior as a choice but as an inevitable reaction to an unfair world.
But assholes have a choice. And so do you.
Are You an Antidote or an Asshole?
To help you reflect on your own behavior under stress, here’s a simple framework to determine whether you’re more of an antidote or an asshole. Stress reveals our true tendencies, but awareness is the first step toward change.
ASSHOLE:
A: Always needs to be right
S: Self-centered under stress
S: Seeks control at others’ expense
H: Hijacks emotional spaces
O: Overreacts to minor inconveniences
L: Lashes out without awareness
E: Erodes trust in relationships
ANTIDOTE:
A: Aware of shared humanity
N: Notices their triggers and pauses
T: Takes responsibility for their emotions
I: Invests in restoring balance
D: Does no harm with words or actions
O: Offers empathy and calm
T: Turns stress into an opportunity for growth
E: Elevates others through kindness
Take a moment to consider where you fall. When faced with stress or inconvenience, are you quick to hijack the emotional space, or do you work to restore balance? Becoming an antidote starts with small, deliberate changes—pausing before reacting, reframing stress, and focusing on compassion rather than control.
Enter the Antidote
Antidotes are rare. They’re the people who, instead of hijacking emotional spaces, restore balance. They turn their stress into a call to action—not to lash out, but to lean in with kindness, empathy, and control.
Antidotes understand a fundamental truth: stress and suffering are universal. They know their pain is not unique or more pressing than anyone else’s. This awareness transforms their reaction. Instead of seeing stress as a reason to offload onto others, they see it as an opportunity to grow and connect.
As Marcus Aurelius wisely said, “The best revenge is not to be like that.” Antidotes live by this principle. They strive to be a calming force in the chaos, the ones who neutralize negativity rather than amplifying it.
The Everyday Wolves and Antidotes
Consider these counterintuitive examples of wolves and antidotes in action:
The Hungry Diner:
Wolf: Snaps at the server for a slow kitchen, leaving the staff flustered and the room on edge.
Antidote: Makes light of the delay, cracks a joke, and puts the server at ease with a smile.
The Backseat Driver:
Wolf: Constantly critiques every move, creating tension and insecurity for the driver.
Antidote: Offers clear, calm directions or stays silent, trusting the driver’s judgment.
The Boss:
Wolf: Becomes a nightmare under pressure, micromanaging and blaming employees.
Antidote: Acknowledges the team’s challenges, inspires with optimism, and takes accountability.
Antidotes don’t suppress their stress or pretend everything is fine. Instead, they take a breath, pause, and respond thoughtfully. They know that when life happens, they have the power to “happen back”—not destructively, but constructively.
The Science of Why We Snap
Research shows that stress hijacks our brains, activating the fight-or-flight response and shutting down higher reasoning (Matos et al., 2017). This is why assholes react instinctively, lashing out without considering the consequences. But antidotes engage a different system: the soothing, self-regulating part of the brain, nurtured through mindfulness, compassion, and deliberate practice (Gilbert, 2017).
This isn’t just philosophy—it’s physiology. Studies on compassion-focused therapy reveal that practices like deep breathing, gratitude, and perspective-taking can rewire the brain, making it easier to stay calm and centered under pressure (Singer & Bolz, 2012).
How to Be the Antidote
Want to stop being the wolf and start being the antidote? Here’s how:
Pause Before Reacting: When stress strikes, take a moment to breathe and assess.
Reframe the Situation: Instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?” ask, “How can I grow from this?”
Consider the Ripple Effect: Every action you take influences the emotional tone of a room. Ask yourself: Will this contribute to harmony or chaos?
Practice Compassion: Remember that everyone is fighting battles you can’t see. Respond with the kindness you wish to receive.
Train Your Brain: Engage in daily practices like mindfulness or gratitude journaling to strengthen your emotional regulation muscles.
Restoring the Room
Assholes destroy balance; antidotes restore it. In every stressful moment, you have a choice: to let your wolf take over, or to be the antidote who brings peace and clarity. The world doesn’t need more chaos. It needs more calm.
The next time stress strikes, remember: your reaction has the power to hijack the room—or heal it. Choose wisely.
Excellent description of common violations of The Golden Rule, that is far too easy even for spiritually dedicated people to fail. Christians, see Mattew 7:12.
Thank you for this 'how' type education that is sadly lacking in typical spiritual writings, teachings, and education.
haha, you're describing some powerful politicians here.