I Love You… But Fuck You!!
The energy saving hack to spend your last fucks on what—and who—really matter
**Note: This piece draws from my original ideas, research, hooks, and metaphors. For editing and some wording, I’ve used AI tools trained on my own books and style, always blending technology with my hands-on curation and oversight. Thank you for being here—Jade.
You’re sitting across from someone you genuinely care about, and you feel that old familiar tightening in your chest. They’ve crossed a line… again. Not dramatically, not maliciously, but just enough that your system feels the drain.
Every part of you wants to default to the old script: be understanding, be patient, be accommodating, be the “easy one.”
But something in you revolts.
A truth rises… clean, sharp, strangely calm… and without the usual diplomatic preface or emotional bubble wrap, you hear yourself say:
“I love you… but fuck you. I’m not ok with the way you are speaking to me.”
Not screamed.
Not weaponized.
Not cruel.
Just real.
And for the first time, it clicks: this is what adulthood in relationships actually looks like.
The Dual Truth You Were Never Taught
Most people grow up believing they have only two relational modes: be nice or blow up; care or cut off; give or guard; love or leave. That’s the psychology of emotional immaturity… binary, fragile, and fearful.
But somewhere in life (usually the middle decades)… after a lifetime of rescuing, absorbing, pleasing, and soothing… another option finally emerges. The mature option. The one that sounds like contradiction but feels like emotional freedom:
“I love you… but fuck you.”
This isn’t disrespect. It’s two truths in one. It’s relational sovereignty. It’s the wiser self showing up with both affection and clarity. It’s the moment your Next Level Human Self steps into the room and refuses to let your relationships be powered by martyrdom or emotional contortion.
This is the shift from Nice Self to Authentic Self… to Next Level Human Self.
The Hidden Cost of Pretending
The immature version of you tries to be liked. The mature version is all about being real. The immature version avoids discomfort; the mature version see honesty as kinder than kindness.
The immature version whispers “I love you” while drowning in resentment.
The immature version mutters “fuck you” while avoiding accountability.
Both are cop-outs.
“I love you… but fuck you” integrates the two halves:
You matter… and so do I.
I care… but not enough to abandon myself.
I’m here… but only if you meet me here too.
This is reciprocity maturity.
Why Over-Givers Burn Out First
People don’t get drained because they care too much. They get drained because they never learned to calibrate their caring.
Here’s the cycle:
You over-give. Someone takes. You rationalize. They take more. You buffer their behavior with empathy. They accept your sacrifice as normal. You burn out. They continue. You explode. You feel guilty. And the cycle resets.
Immature givers stay nice. Mature givers become balancers:
You give effort? I give effort.
You give honesty? I give honesty.
You give bullshit? I stop giving access.
That’s “I love you but fuck you.”
The Biology of Relational Maturity
I cannot verify every mechanism, but research on chronic stress and emotional labor suggests something crucial: midlife nervous systems become more sensitive to self-betrayal.
What you could fake in your 20s and 30s becomes metabolically expensive in your 40s and beyond. As allostatic load builds, your psyche and physiology seek to reorganize around truth, efficiency, and energy preservation.
Pretending becomes costly.
Self-abandonment becomes intolerable.
Niceness becomes exhausting.
Reciprocity becomes necessary.
This is where you have had enough of bitterness.
And have gained some wisdom around social dynamics.
Boundaries, Standards, and the Sovereign Upgrade
Boundaries are step one.
Boundaries say: “That’s far enough.”
Standards say: “This dynamic doesn’t work at all.”
Sovereignty says: “Access to me requires care and consideration.”
“I love you but fuck you” bridges boundaries and standards.
It delivers care and consequence. It respects the relationship and protects the self. And it’s where relationships either elevate or end honestly.
The Protocol in Practice
Here’s the I Love You… But Fuck You Protocol you can actually use:
Care:
“I value you. I care about this connection.”
Clarity:
“But this pattern… this behavior… this expectation? I’m not doing it anymore.”
Standard:
“I need matched effort, honesty, and respect.”
Sovereignty:
“If you’re willing, I’m here.
If you’re not, I’m good with that too.”
A Real-World Example (Romantic Relationship)
Partner: “You make a big deal out of everything. You’re always overreacting. You’ve always been this way.”
You:
“I love you. And also… fuck you… you don’t get to tell me who I am or who I can be. You no longer get to treat me this way.
If you want to understand me, I’m all in.
If you want to keep me in this box and continue to define me inaccurately, I’m not participating.”
Clean. Direct. Adult.
No collapse. No rescue.
Just sovereignty.
The Relationships That Survive This
Most relationships don’t end because of conflict; they end because of unspoken resentment.
This principle prevents that buildup by introducing honesty early. Two outcomes emerge:
The relationship elevates because truth creates coherence.
Or the relationship ends because honesty reveals its limits.
Either outcome is clarity.
Either outcome is sanity.
Either outcome is evolution.
You’re not losing people.
You’re losing roles.
There’s a difference.
From Nice to Sovereign
Growing wise doesn’t make you colder. It makes you and your relationships cleaner… clearer.
You stop performing, rescuing, cushioning, and abandoning yourself to keep the peace. You don’t love less… you love without losing yourself. And in a strange turn of outcome, this makes you able to love better and deeper.
You don’t say “fuck you” to destroy the relationship… you say it to protect the part of you that used to let people walk through your life unchallenged.
“I love you but fuck you” is not cruelty.
It’s maturity.
It’s the price of honest connection.
It’s where your elevated self finally takes the wheel.
Just remember, if you use this technique you need to mean it. The love you needs to be heart felt and hold real depth… the fuck you needs to be visceral and sturdy.
Try it, see how it transforms your relationships.
PS: If you’re ready to break free of self-betrayal and become the kind of person who naturally lives from their elevated, wiser self, explore my Next Level Human coaching program today. Spots are limited… don’t wait. 👉 http://www.nextlevelhuman.com/human-coaching
References:
Baumeister, R. F., & Tierney, J. (2011). Willpower: Rediscovering the greatest human strength. Penguin Press.
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly. Gotham Books.
McEwen, B. S. (1998). Protective and damaging effects of stress mediators. New England Journal of Medicine, 338(3), 171–179.
Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent communication. PuddleDancer Press.
My new favorite mantra thanks to you my friend!
I love this! It so true how we change with age. I learned that boundary. I also was taught it by my partner.
So much respect for the relationship!
Thanks for sharing Dr Jade!