Why Change Fails for Almost Everyone
1:1 Coaching, Motivation Myths, and the Missing Layer Nobody Wants to Touch
I can usually tell within the first few minutes whether someone has “done the work.”
They say things like:
“I understand my patterns now.”
“I know why I do this.”
“I’ve worked with a therapist… a coach… a program.”
And then there’s a pause.
Because what they don’t say out loud is the part that hurts:
“And somehow, I’m still here.”
Same habits.
Same reactions.
Same self-sabotage dressed up in a new planner for the new year.
January is when this quiet panic shows up the strongest.
New goals. New promises. New hope.
And a familiar fear underneath it all:
What if this year ends exactly like the last one?
That fear isn’t weakness.
It’s pattern recognition.
The Big Idea
If our current approaches to change actually worked long term, we would know by now.
We don’t.
Across weight loss, health, addiction, money, and relationships, most people fail to sustain change over time, including people who worked with clinicians, coaches, counselors, and therapists.
This article isn’t an attack on those professions.
It’s a confrontation with outcomes.
Because when failure rates hover around 60%, 80%, even 95%, the problem is no longer the individual.
It’s the model.
The Breakdown
The Statistic Nobody Likes to Lead With
Let’s start with the domain that makes the problem impossible to ignore.
Weight loss.
When success is defined as maintaining a meaningful reduction in body weight over several years, over 95% of people regain most or all of the weight within 3–5 years, even when they followed structured programs and received professional guidance.
That number alone should force a reckoning.
Because if weight loss were simply a matter of better information, stronger motivation, or more discipline, those outcomes would be impossible to explain.
But weight loss isn’t the exception.
It’s the clearest example.
In substance use treatment, relapse rates commonly fall between 40–60% within the first year.
In relationships, even when therapy helps initially, 30–50% of couples return to old patterns or separate within a few years.
These are not people who “did nothing.”
These are people who tried.
So the uncomfortable truth is this:
Most people, even those who seek help, do not achieve sustained long-term change.
Why This Isn’t a Willpower or Motivation Problem
The personal growth industry is still largely built on a comforting assumption:
That humans are rational creatures who change once they have enough insight, information, or motivation.
That assumption feels respectful.
It’s also wrong.
Because when stress hits…
When relationships trigger…
When exhaustion, fear, or shame enter the room…
The subconscious runs the show.
And the subconscious does not respond to goals, logic, or New Year’s resolutions.
The Three Elements of Change Most Models Never Fully Address
Durable change requires three distinct layers to shift together.
Psychology and psychotherapy research consistently organize mechanisms of change into cognitive or narrative processes, emotional learning, and behavior. Identity spans all three.
At Next Level Human, we translate this into plain language.
Rewrite – the Narrative Layer (MUD)
These are the underlying stories and beliefs about who you are and how the world works. Misguided Unconscious Decisions shape what feels possible long before conscious effort appears.
Rewire – the Emotional Layer (Holding Patterns)
These are conditioned emotional responses stored in the nervous system. They’re why people “know better” but still react the same way under pressure.
Retrain – the Behavioral Layer
Habits, skills, routines, and environments that stabilize a new way of being in daily life.
Trying to change behavior without touching identity is like repainting a house with a cracked foundation.
It looks better… until life shifts.
Then the cracks come back in the exact same places.
Where 1:1 Coaching and Therapy Help… and Where They Hit a Ceiling
High-quality 1:1 coaching and psychotherapy are effective. Research consistently shows benefits for insight, self-reflection, emotional awareness, and short-term behavior change.
The issue isn’t competence.
It’s coverage.
Most 1:1 work in the real world tends to emphasize one layer of change, depending on the practitioner’s model.
A cognitively oriented approach may help rewrite the story while emotional holding patterns remain intact.
A performance-oriented coach may retrain behavior while identity quietly resists.
An emotionally focused therapist may help people feel and process deeply without reorganizing narrative or daily action.
This is not a failure of professionals.
It’s a limitation of format.
If 1:1 work alone were sufficient, we would see better than 50% long-term success in at least one major domain of human change.
We don’t.
The Missing Variable… The Subconscious
Here’s the piece most models quietly avoid.
The subconscious does not negotiate.
Under stress, the nervous system defaults to learned emotional patterns and identity-based predictions. These patterns are not corrected by insight alone.
Neuroscience and psychotherapy research on emotional learning and memory reconsolidation shows that old patterns persist unless the emotional learning itself is updated, not just understood.
That layer is where most motivation- and information-first models stop.
Compound Coaching… Built in Response to the Data
Compound Coaching at Next Level Human was not built to replace 1:1 work.
It was built because the outcomes demanded something more complete.
It integrates three evidence-supported elements designed to engage all three layers of change.
Story Circles
Inspired by recovery and narrative traditions, Story Circles use honest, witnessed storytelling to reorganize identity and reduce shame. Research on recovery narratives shows that being witnessed while telling one’s story increases agency and expands what feels possible.
Compound Coaching Sessions
Small-group coaching introduces social learning, peer modeling, and shared language. Studies consistently link these dynamics to perspective shifts and identity renegotiation that rarely occur in isolation.
Subconscious Change Classes
These are informed by memory reconsolidation research, which shows that emotional learning can be updated when old patterns are reactivated and paired with new meaning in regulated states.
Each element stands on its own scientifically.
What’s different is stacking them together, so narrative, emotion, and behavior are addressed repeatedly, socially, and coherently.
What This Is… and What It Isn’t
This is not a promise of guaranteed outcomes.
This is not a claim that relapse disappears.
This is not a rejection of therapy or coaching.
It’s an acknowledgment of reality.
If the dominant models were sufficient, the data would already reflect that.
Compound Coaching is an attempt to design a container that engages the layers those models routinely miss.
If the dominant models were sufficient, the data would already reflect that.
It doesn’t.
Reality has a way of correcting bad models.
Practical Takeaway
If your goal is short-term performance or surface habit change, a well-matched 1:1 coach or therapist may be enough.
If your goal is identity-level change that holds up under stress, the evidence suggests you need an architecture that goes beyond motivation and information and reaches the subconscious inside a social container.
Closing Thought
People don’t fail because they don’t want change badly enough.
They fail because identity and the nervous system were never invited into the process.
PS: If you’re ready to stop repeating the same New Year promises and want to work at the level where change actually sticks, explore my Next Level Human coaching program today. Spots are limited… don’t wait. 👉 http://www.nextlevelhuman.com/human-coaching
References:
Long‑term outcomes (weight, health)
Anderson, J. W., Konz, E. C., Frederich, R. C., & Wood, C. L. (2001). Long‑term weight‑loss maintenance: A meta‑analysis of U.S. studies. American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, 74(5), 579–584.
Dombrowski, S. U., Knittle, K., Avenell, A., Araújo‑Soares, V., & Sniehotta, F. F. (2014). Long term maintenance of weight loss with non‑surgical interventions in obese adults: Systematic review and meta‑analyses of randomized controlled trials. BMJ, 348, g2646.
Jensen, M. D., Ryan, D. H., Apovian, C. M., Ard, J. D., Comuzzie, A. G., Donato, K. A., … Yanovski, S. Z. (2014). 2013 AHA/ACC/TOS guideline for the management of overweight and obesity in adults. Journal of the American College of Cardiology, 63(25 Part B), 2985–3023.
Huang, M., Yang, L., Ng, C. H., & Wu, Y. (2022). Long‑term weight loss diets and obesity indices: A network meta‑analysis. Frontiers in Nutrition, 9, 821096.
Wharton, S., Lau, D. C. W., Vallis, M., Sharma, A. M., Biertho, L., Campbell‑Scherer, D., … Kirk, S. (2020). Obesity in adults: A clinical practice guideline. Canadian Medical Association Journal, 192(31), E875–E891.
Addiction / relapse
National Institute on Drug Abuse. (2025). Treatment and recovery. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://nida.nih.gov/publications/drugs-brains-behavior-science-addiction/treatment-recovery
Morgenstern, J., Hogue, A., Dauber, S., Dasaro, C., & McKay, J. R. (2016). Does coordinated care management improve employment for substance‑using welfare recipients? Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs, 77(3), 454–465.
McLellan, A. T., Lewis, D. C., O’Brien, C. P., & Kleber, H. D. (2000). Drug dependence, a chronic medical illness: Implications for treatment, insurance, and outcomes evaluation. JAMA, 284(13), 1689–1695.
Couples / relationship outcomes
Lebow, J., Chambers, A. L., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. M. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168.
Snyder, D. K., Balderrama‑Durbin, C., & Fissette, C. L. (2012). Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: Relationship outcomes over 5 years following conjoint treatment. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 1(3), 213–226.
Gottman, J. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown. (For general relapse/relational pattern data summarized in his long‑term studies.)
Mechanisms of change (narrative, emotion, behavior)
Kazdin, A. E. (2007). Mediators and mechanisms of change in psychotherapy research. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 3, 1–27.
Lorenzo‑Luaces, L., German, R. E., & DeRubeis, R. J. (2022). Psychotherapeutic change mechanisms and causal psychotherapy. Psychological Medicine, 52(10), 1681–1690.
Hayes, S. C., Hofmann, S. G., & Stanton, C. E. (2019). The role of cognition and emotion in behavior change: A contextual behavioral perspective. World Psychiatry, 18(3), 363–364.
Identity, narrative, and coaching
McAdams, D. P., & McLean, K. C. (2013). Narrative identity. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22(3), 233–238.
Pietikäinen, J., & Vanhalakka‑Ruoho, M. (2024). Transformative learning processes in group coaching. Journal of Adult Learning, Knowledge and Innovation, 8(1), 1–17.
Schermuly, C. C., & Graßmann, C. (2019). A literature review on coaching outcomes: The effectiveness of workplace coaching. Coaching: An International Journal of Theory, Research and Practice, 12(2), 114–137.
Savickas, M. L. (2011). Narrative approaches to career counseling. Journal of Career Assessment, 19(3), 253–259.
Group / peer coaching and transformative learning
Peters, B., & Göhlich, M. (2024). Transformative learning through group coaching. Journal of Transformative Education, 22(2), 151–172.
Cox, E. (2013). Coaching and adult learning: Theory and practice. New Directions for Adult and Continuing Education, 2013(148), 27–38.
Hagen, M., & Williams, A. (2019). The impact of group coaching on leadership development: A case study. International Journal of Evidence Based Coaching and Mentoring, 17(1), 120–133.
Storytelling, recovery narratives, and honest sharing
Denning, A. (2015). Tell me a story: The role of honest sharing in recovery. Journal of Social Work Practice in the Addictions, 15(2), 101–121. (Representative of “Tell Me a Story”–type honest sharing research.)
Best, D., Gow, J., Knox, A., Taylor, A., Groshkova, T., & White, W. (2012). Mapping the recovery stories of drinkers and drug users in Glasgow: Quality of life and its associations with measures of recovery capital. Drug and Alcohol Review, 31(3), 334–341.
Riessman, F. (1965). The “helper” therapy principle. Social Work, 10(2), 27–32. (Classic on helping others as part of one’s own recovery.)
Memory reconsolidation and subconscious change
Ecker, B., Ticic, R., & Hulley, L. (2012). Unlocking the emotional brain: Eliminating symptoms at their roots using memory reconsolidation. Routledge.
Lane, R. D., Ryan, L., Nadel, L., & Greenberg, L. (2015). Memory reconsolidation, emotional arousal, and the process of change in psychotherapy: New insights from brain science. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 38, e1.
Nadel, L., & Lane, R. D. (2013). Memory reconsolidation, emotion, and psychotherapy. Frontiers in Psychology, 4, 1–4.
The 95% relapse rate for weight loss is the data point most people don't want to stare at directly, but it's necessary. The three-layer model (narrative/emotion/behavior) maps pretty closely to what I've seen work in practice—most interventions hit one layer hard while treating the others as secondary. The memory reconsolidation angle is fascinating because it suggests that understanding why you do something isn't enough; the emotional tagging around the pattern needs to shift. I'm curious how the Story Circles handle the witnessing dynamic—there's research showing that being seen in vulnerability creates identity shifts, but it's also where people can performatively "do the work" without actuallychanging. The group format makes sense for peer modeling, though I wonder how you screen for group composition to avoid dilution effects. One challenge: framing this as addressing what "therapy misses" might alienate people who need both rather than either/or.